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Tis The Season 12/7/13
There is a counterintuitive aspect of much of Eastern philosophy that states something like 'if you look for it, it won't be found – if you grasp for it, it won't be reached'.
I am trying to 'manufacture' something that resembles the Christmas Spirit this year. It's not really happening. I'm not really feeling it.
The house is all decorated and the lights are flickering. The wife is working on all the Season's greeting cards. The party invitations are offered and/or accepted. The liquor cabinet is well stocked – some of it is shared out. The furnace is working and keeping things warm. Hell, my shopping is even done. Is anything seasonal forgotten? I don't think so.
Am I exited? Am I all aglow and cozy?
Sickness, death, and dying stalks the shadows. We do what we can for an old friend fending off stage one (thank the gods) ovarian cancer. A newer friend lost a husband, mother, and aunt within a few months this fall. My father and aunt, the last of seven siblings, count their days in nursing homes. My cousin's wife worry over her father's failing heart. My late mother's only sister, my favorite aunt, struggles and her husband, my favorite uncle, goes day by day. My wife's folks contemplate assisted living. There are more friends and I'm too tired to bring them to mind.
Don't even get me started on the news and the economy.
So, I reach for that warmth and glow. I try all the old tricks. I put a smile on my face so that the whole world may smile with me. I watch all those great old movies. I turn off the news. I pour from that bottle of cheer.
I reach and that is my mistake. What is sought will not be found. Like lost keys, it won't be found until one stops looking.
I should let go. These wondrous old feelings should find me.
Oops! There's one. See, I'm better already.